Monday, August 20, 2012

. . . until I met HIM

  • I never knew what it was like to want to kiss someone . . . until I met HIM.
  • I never knew what it was like to want to spend every second with one person . . .
  • I never knew how fascinated I could be by someone's simple features like fingers and toes . . .
  • I never knew that a tight embrace could produce such a rush of endorphins . . .
  • I never knew how disappointed I could be about an expected phone call that did not come . . .
  • I never had such an urge to go out and find a scalped ticket to a college football game just so he could help me learn a little more about the game . . .
  • I never felt so much pain from unrequited affection . . .
  • I never knew that the hole inside that I did not know existed could be filled . . .
  • I never understood what being in love meant . . .
  • I never knew how much joy a simple text message (regardless of its actual content) could bring me . . .
I briefly mentioned HIM in a previous post.  In this blog he will be know as Greg.  I was once asked by a friend (this was after I had been married many months), "If you could do anything in the world with Greg right now what would it be."  I later got the sense that he was expecting me to say "have sex with him" or something similar.  But my response was that I simply wanted to be near him . . . doing anything . . . I just wanted to know once again that I was worthy of his time and attention.  And that was the honest truth.  I just wanted to know that a male that I cared about more than any other person in the world cared about me.

SAPPY . . . I know!  I plan on posting a lot more about Greg in coming weeks, but let me give a brief overview:  I met Greg in college.  He was my roommate for about two years.  I do not think he is gay, but part of me holds on to this fantasy that he might be.  I never had any sort of sexual encounter with him, but we did have a very close friendship.  Had I not met him when I did it very well could have been another decade or two before I would have realized why things with girls just never seemed to click.  Maybe I am judging incorrectly, but it seems like a lot of MoHos whose blogs I have read are very shallow when it comes to the looks of object of their affection.  Greg is in no way ugly.  He is actually very attractive, but it was not his looks that brought me in hook, line, and sinker, but his irresistible, fun personality.  He is the only man I have ever truly fallen in love with and I still cannot get over him despite his very direct distancing of himself from me.  I am a hopeless wreck.


  1. I can relate to your post. I have had an exact experience. But, because I am a gay woman, my experience was with a woman. Even after all these years, she still has an effect on me. I told her goodbye because I could not live with the constant heartache of the roller-coaster ride she kept me on. She is the best and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, in my ENTIRE life. I suspect in a few decades, I will be over her. :) (I can only hope.)

    Happy night. Duck

    1. Hi Duck,

      "The best and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with" is the perfect way to explain how I feel. I cannot even begin to explain how happy I was when I was close friends with Greg. I felt more complete than I had since childhood. Before that I did not even realize how empty I had been feeling for so long. I am past the stage of crying almost daily over my loss of him, but I still cannot imagine being really happy again without him as my friend.

  2. My one HIM was gay. When I kissed him I knew I was gay. He apologized for calling at 2:00 a.m. to make sure I arrived home safely. The void I felt when he stopped calling was immense. I was, for a time, a hopeless wreck.

    1. Even after a year and a half, my inner void is so painful. I wish that void could just be filled up by my wife (I'm sure she wishes the same). I don't know if even another man could fill it. I just did not know I could feel such an intense connection to another human being. I often wish that I never had experienced such a deep love so I would not now be so aware of what it feels like to live without it.

  3. I have been a shallow hopeless wreck... I really look forward to learning from your wreckage.

  4. If it helps any, it only took me 18 years to get over "her". And, that coming after some pretty intense therapy. it does get better. But, it is a long process, especially when one loves and has experienced love so intensely. My thoughts are with you. Much love, Duck

  5. its amazing when you finally feel what a real crush feels like.