How do other people read blogs? Do most people just read the most recent posts when they find a new blog, or do other people start at the beginning? Do other people just skim old post archives and read the ones that sound interesting?
However, since I have wanted to comment many times about things that happened years ago, I finally gave in and decided to read a few of his recent posts. This post is partially inspired by one of his posts.
A few nights ago my wife wanted to see a movie. We are really struggling to make ends meet financially (i.e. I do not know if we will be able to buy food or pay rent - not looking for sympathy, just explaining). So a "real" movie theatre was out of the question, but I agreed that we could maybe see something at the dollar theater. Upon reviewing the listings, none of them really caught my eye. While my wife was trying to decide if any of them sounded worthwhile to see I pulled up Beck's blog and saw a post about The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel. He mentioned that there was a sub-plot about a mixed-orientation marriage and that it had opened up an opportunity for him and his wife to have some dialogue about his attractions.
Since neither of us was partial towards any of the movie options I suggested that we could give that movie a try and briefly mentioned that I had read about a MOM subplot. I do not really have a lot to say about the movie. I enjoyed it and certainly would not discourage others from seeing it. I asked my wife what she thought about it. She only responded that she liked it and we did not say much else about it.
The following evening my wife came home from the store with tears in her eyes (I really wish this type of occurrence was less frequent than it is). I asked her what was going on. She just said that she was having a hard day (we both have a lot of days like that which stem from me being me . . . ): She did not want to talk at that moment, but as I saw her work herself into a cleaning frenzy I soon recognized the tell-tale sign that there was definitely something that needed discussing. When I approached her again about her feelings the first thing out of her mouth was, "Will I ever be number one in your life? Or will Greg (name has been changed) always be your first true love like the man in the movie?"
While I had hoped that seeing the movie would turn in to an opportunity for us to talk as it had for Beck and his wife, I was taken aback by the approach my wife took right out of the gate. With discussion starting off like that my initial reaction was (as it usually is) to shut off emotionally, mentally and even physically, if necessary, to avoid having to face reality. But I didn't! I still do not know if our conversation helped or hurt our relationship but I was more open and honest than I have been in months. While I did not answer her question directly (I do not know if I could honestly answer that question even to myself at this point), I am glad that I opened up in some little way.
I told her that there are parts of me that may never be able to survive without male companionship in my life. I said that I have a hard time distinguishing if my needs are mental, emotional, social, or sexual, but my brain is wired to need close male interaction and I do not think that will change in this life. I reaffirmed my love for her and my commitment to figuring this all out. And I admitted that at least part of the reason I have been so down lately is because I just feel really empty and lonely without any male interaction in my life.
For various reasons, ever since being married the only close friend that I seem to have left is my wife. Maybe this is good or maybe this is very bad. I don't know. I know that she likes to keep me close (and I understand some of the reasons why). Also, I have really been struggling with anxiety/depression which makes meeting new people very difficult for me. My wife has arranged for us to do things with other couples from time to time, but without fail, and in no uncertain terms, these are couples with whom I have no interest in becoming good friends (I am very picky about friends when I really shouldn't be - I have so many quirks of my own I should not be so quick to discard potential friends!). ARGH. It is not normal for married men to have close female friends (of which I have had plenty in my life) and I know that if I were to get close to another male my wife would be highly suspicious. What am I supposed to do?!