I must really have some issues to work through because just choosing a blog name was quite an ordeal for me. And even now, two sentences in to my first post, I am already regretting my choice. My mind is so crazy lately! (Or maybe I am just becoming more aware of it lately?)
Since I have not added any profile information and just wanted to jump in to my first post, let me announce from the beginning that this blog is destined to become yet another in a growing list of gay, Mormon, married blogs. I am hopeful that joining this blogging community will be therapeutic in some way as I try to find some peace in my world of cognitive dissonance.
Now on to the meaning behind my blog name: You would think creativity would come easily to me, right? I mean, let's face it, I am attracted to men so naturally I am creative. Haha. I do not know how these two things are connected, but I do generally fit in to the gay stereotype of being more creative than the average male, however I also over think things a lot so my blog name and probably every post contained herein is far more cerebral than it need be.
(Insert smooth transition to my next thought) Confession time (hold on because this blog is already off to a runaway-train start): As a newly pubescent boy I became guilty of the "M" sin whilst in the shower with the water pressure hitting just the right spot and me reluctant to make it stop. I was not prepared at all for what would happen next. Within seconds I felt the effects of the most exciting sensation of my life turn in to the most dreaded, anxiety-provoking, God-fearing guilt I could imagine. What had I done? Was I going to hell? Was I going to jail? Had my childhood innocence been replaced by an existence as the vilest of sinners? Such questions might sound like hyperbole, but in reality, I was certain that life as I knew it was over. As soon as I was out of the shower and dressed I dropped to my knees and offered up the most fervent prayer any boy my age had ever offered as tears rolled down my cheeks and I feared for my own salvation.
In the days and weeks that followed I was continually haunted by my offense to God. I tried to forget; I tried to convince myself that it had not happened; I hoped I would find some loophole in God's law that would exempt me from having to confess my misdeed. I could not tell my parents or my bishop or anyone. What would they think? What would they do? I could not hide it from my mind. So I hoped for the next best thing: amnesia, head trauma, anything to take away the memory so I would not be held responsible for not confessing. I just wanted to start over. I wanted my mind to be a blank slate.
Now here I am, a decade and a half later, hoping once again to be a blank slate. It has been about two and a half years since I started to come to terms with the fact that I am sexually and emotionally attracted (maybe even addicted) to persons of my same gender. I am also a believing Mormon. My awareness of these two, very compelling, seemingly irreconcilable, components of my identity have been the source of more anxiety and sadness than my 12-year-old self could have imagined. I want to start over. I want to be at this point in my life with only one of these two driving forces in my cognitive awareness. I would even settle for a half-erased slate. Please God, take away one or the other. I can be gay. I can be Mormon. But I don't know if I can survive being both.