. . . until I met HER

• I did not know that my actions could cause another person so much pain . . . until I met her.
• I did not know that kissing someone of the less-preferred gender could be enjoyable . . .
• I did not know how much fun cuddling is . . .
• I did not know that someone could be so concerned about my well-being . . .
• I did not know how really trying circumstances can bring two people so much closer . . .
• I did not know that someone could be so faithful to me . . .
• I did not know how vulnerable having sex for the first time can make you feel . . .
• I did not know how much time needs to be invested in a marriage relationship . . .
• I did not know that I am not nearly as chivalrous or selfless toward my spouse as I always imagined I would be . . .
• I did not know that I could be so torn between loving someone I have made covenants with and doing something that would destroy life as I currently know it . . .

Yes, I am talking about my wife.  I have largely gotten over the self-loathing that I previously associated with my attractions toward other males.  I am okay with it.  I have come to appreciate the fact that I see beauty in other males.  On many levels I am okay with the realization that I will probably always find males attractive.  But there is one motivating factor that makes me wish it would all go away - not for my sake, but for my wife's.

I know that she is very often weighed down by feelings of being unattractive, unwanted, or ugly when that is simply not the case.  She is a beautiful woman, inside and out.  Her already-fragile self esteem has been battered and trampled by my unfortunate blunders and her inner mind of self doubt.  I try to tell her that she is beautiful, but it is never enough.  I try to comment on her good qualities, but it is never enough.  I try to love her the way a straight man would but it is never enough.

I have not decided to give up on our marriage, but I often wonder if that would be better for her.  She says that if we were to get a divorce she would never be able to love or trust another man again.  She says that she would never be able to date or marry again.  But doesn't she deserve someone better than me?  Doesn't she deserve to be loved in every way for the beautiful woman that she is?

I love her so much and I really wish that I could love her in every sense as a man is supposed to love a woman.  I wish I wasn't broken and that she did not have to be broken down along with me.