How do other people read blogs? Do most people just read the most recent posts when they find a new blog, or do other people start at the beginning? Do other people just skim old post archives and read the ones that sound interesting?
However, since I have wanted to comment many times about things that happened years ago, I finally gave in and decided to read a few of his recent posts. This post is partially inspired by one of his posts.
A few nights ago my wife wanted to see a movie. We are really struggling to make ends meet financially (i.e. I do not know if we will be able to buy food or pay rent - not looking for sympathy, just explaining). So a "real" movie theatre was out of the question, but I agreed that we could maybe see something at the dollar theater. Upon reviewing the listings, none of them really caught my eye. While my wife was trying to decide if any of them sounded worthwhile to see I pulled up Beck's blog and saw a post about The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel. He mentioned that there was a sub-plot about a mixed-orientation marriage and that it had opened up an opportunity for him and his wife to have some dialogue about his attractions.
Since neither of us was partial towards any of the movie options I suggested that we could give that movie a try and briefly mentioned that I had read about a MOM subplot. I do not really have a lot to say about the movie. I enjoyed it and certainly would not discourage others from seeing it. I asked my wife what she thought about it. She only responded that she liked it and we did not say much else about it.
The following evening my wife came home from the store with tears in her eyes (I really wish this type of occurrence was less frequent than it is). I asked her what was going on. She just said that she was having a hard day (we both have a lot of days like that which stem from me being me . . . ): She did not want to talk at that moment, but as I saw her work herself into a cleaning frenzy I soon recognized the tell-tale sign that there was definitely something that needed discussing. When I approached her again about her feelings the first thing out of her mouth was, "Will I ever be number one in your life? Or will Greg (name has been changed) always be your first true love like the man in the movie?"
While I had hoped that seeing the movie would turn in to an opportunity for us to talk as it had for Beck and his wife, I was taken aback by the approach my wife took right out of the gate. With discussion starting off like that my initial reaction was (as it usually is) to shut off emotionally, mentally and even physically, if necessary, to avoid having to face reality. But I didn't! I still do not know if our conversation helped or hurt our relationship but I was more open and honest than I have been in months. While I did not answer her question directly (I do not know if I could honestly answer that question even to myself at this point), I am glad that I opened up in some little way.
I told her that there are parts of me that may never be able to survive without male companionship in my life. I said that I have a hard time distinguishing if my needs are mental, emotional, social, or sexual, but my brain is wired to need close male interaction and I do not think that will change in this life. I reaffirmed my love for her and my commitment to figuring this all out. And I admitted that at least part of the reason I have been so down lately is because I just feel really empty and lonely without any male interaction in my life.
For various reasons, ever since being married the only close friend that I seem to have left is my wife. Maybe this is good or maybe this is very bad. I don't know. I know that she likes to keep me close (and I understand some of the reasons why). Also, I have really been struggling with anxiety/depression which makes meeting new people very difficult for me. My wife has arranged for us to do things with other couples from time to time, but without fail, and in no uncertain terms, these are couples with whom I have no interest in becoming good friends (I am very picky about friends when I really shouldn't be - I have so many quirks of my own I should not be so quick to discard potential friends!). ARGH. It is not normal for married men to have close female friends (of which I have had plenty in my life) and I know that if I were to get close to another male my wife would be highly suspicious. What am I supposed to do?!
You've asked a lot of questions in this post. I don't know that anyone can answer them all for you. Only you can know what you are supposed to do.
ReplyDeleteBut, I'll give you a few of mine that apply only to me:
Regarding reading posts, I often read the most current posts. As I discover the flavor and intent of the blogger, I will then go to the beginning and try to understand the bigger picture of who this person is. Hopefully, there aren't several hundred posts to weed through. I can't believe you're trying to do that with mine. I haven't even done that, but maybe I should as some things have evolved since several years ago when I began blogging when this community was much more in its infancy.
As to the movie and talking with my wife, I look for positive ways to address the "elephant in the room" subjects facing our relationship. Our discussions aren't every day, or even every week, but we are at a point when something triggers the thought in both of us, and we are able now to discuss my gayness without tears, angst or drama. And that's a good thing... something that has taken seven plus years to work through slowly at her speed and willingness.
As for having close male companionship in my marriage - well, I'm still working through that. I came out much later in my marriage than you. There was a lot of lost trust and damage to repair. I'm still in the rebuilding mode of restoring trust. I hope at some point to be able to have male companionship without destroying her trust again. I honestly don't know if I can. This is one of the hardest things for me to do. I've pulled back and tried to concentrate on her, particularly now as we have other concerns regarding our children that are weighing us down. Everything in its proper season.
I don't know that it "gets better" just yet, but I see incredible value in continuing to try to make it work for the both of us.
What are you supposed to do? Only you know what's best.
What I may suggest is to continue blogging and getting it out there. That was hugely helpful for me, particularly at the beginning as I came to terms with my attractions. I hope that blogging will have the same helpful affect for you. So keep writing!
By the way, in reading my posts, I'm curious, do you see any growth? Or am I the same angsty person I've always been and always will be? Just wondering...
Thanks for your words of advice Beck. My wife says that she is supportive of me having good male friends, but when it comes right down to it, I sense that she will always be concerned about me being close to other people. I have found some benefit from blogging already. I really like being able to think about and clarify on paper some of the many thoughts that go through my mind regarding these issues. Even if my audience is completely anonymous, it feels good to be open and honest with another person.
DeleteTo answer your questions: Yes, I do think that you have grown out of the angst phase pretty well. However, I fear that you may be in a phase that I have gone in and out of a few times before even acknowledging my homosexual tendencies. That cycle includes letting go of anger, sadness, joy, and hope and just living day to day without any real emotion or passion. Keep in mind I have read very few of your recent blogs, so this might be completely off track. I just remember living many years without really feeling anything - numb to both the positive and the negative. After years of not feeling, it was only upon dealing with these issues that I unlatched the flood gates of emotion that came with my coming to terms with my attractions.
I am probably less alive bromantically but more alive in connecting with my wife. But you've nailed the issue. Not being fully open to emotions, and passions and feelings leaves one a bit numb. I wish there were an easier answer to have both - the flood gates of emotions and a happy marriage. It's the challenge facing all MOMs.
ReplyDeleteWomen are often very emotionally open to other women. Is it not possible for men with emotional needs to do the same with other men without crossing any marriage-destroying boundaries?
DeleteI think that, unfortunately, it is not that same for women to be close as it is for men when they are gay. It would make more sense for you to be close to other women... but that of course won't avoid the problems with jealousy- even though you are gay, your wife will likely have a difficult time with feeling jealous of other female friends. I obviously have no experience in being married... but it sounds like just from the way you describe your feelings and needs from relationships that what you are looking forward to is a great female friend and a male love. To try and convince yourself that this need you have will be satisfied by a close male friend is like trying to convince yourself that you are not gay. But, that doesn't mean that this isn't an issue that needs to be handled with a lot of careful thought and decision making.
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