Sunday, February 1, 2015

Meeting with the Stake President

I just joined those who have also recently met with ecclesiastical leaders. I have never met with, and hopefully never will meet with, our current Bishop. I do not trust him with the simplest of concerns and certainly have no reason to trust him with my biggest trial. In brief, during his 1-year tenure thus far every 5th Sunday lesson has in some way centered on the message "learn how to not be offended because I cannot change who I am," he has openly discussed in Elders quorum many very private discussions he has had with others who have sought his counsel, from the pulpit tried to shame someone into confessing that s/he had talked to the Stake President about how our Bishop does not seem trustworthy, mocked a woman with cancer about the wig she was wearing . . . it goes on and on. Consequently, the few times I have chosen to reach out to church leaders recently it has been with the SP, not the Bishop.

Our Stake President is very kind and much more wise than I would have guessed before I had the opportunity to meet with him in person. He has never given me any reason to feel bad about myself for my attractions but maintains that the path that is acceptable to God has some very tight restraints. He is apt to say things like "the ways of the world might seem easier in the short run, but will not bring lasting happiness . . ."

Today I explained that I am trying to work my way out of what has been the second very low point for me since getting married. I told him that it has been about six months since I started approaching the point where life no longer seemed worth living. I didn't get into too many details except to say that the last time I felt this bad I promised myself that I would do all in my power to find a solution to make life worth living before throwing in the towel.

I explained that my wife and I have been very seriously talking about divorce - i.e. That is the path I fully intend to follow unless God is able to convincingly help me see some other way very soon. I also told him that since deciding to head in that direction I have felt more peace than I have felt in years. He asked me some clarifying questions about how that might happen, what kind of support system we have, and what our lives might look like after that. I told him that my wife has expressed that she would likely seek someone else to marry who could better meet her needs. I also told him that I do not intend to spend the rest of my life alone but that I could not, in good conscience, inflict this situation on another woman, leaving me few church-sanctioned options.

He said a great many things, reminding me to "not throw the baby out with the bath water." He said he was pleased I was there and was seeking God's guidance in making my decisions. He read from Matt. 4:23-24, which says in part, that Jesus went about healing those  with "divers diseases and torments." He explained that many people suffer torments that are not physical and often difficult to endure. He didn't directly say that I could be healed but alluded to it. 

I told him that I genuinely want to follow God's will but I need that guidance to come from Him, not from other men. I admitted that I no longer feel like I can just blindly follow every word that proceedeth forth from the mouths of the "brethren" and that I have accepted that they make mistakes, especially about an issue that greatly affects me, and that for all I know they may still be in error.

I could tell in his responses that he was certain that my response from God could only be that I stay with my wife. I am still trying to seek God's guidance but what if I've already received it. If I can't trust peace in my heart and a newfound zeal for doing and being better in all aspects after beginning to accept that divorce might be best for us then what can I trust? Have I been deceived as every Mormon I talk to seems to imply? Have I conflated a feeling of relief with a false sense of peace from God? Am I wrong to point out that I have never heard of or met someone who has been "healed" and that I have seen the examples of dozens of MoHos who think they have their Mixed orientation marriage figured out only to find themselves fleeing, completely depressed and disillusioned just a few years later. What am I to do? Is anyone else dealing with these thoughts?

6 comments:

  1. I am not facing the same questions and decisions you are now in your life. But I am glad you have found someone to talk to, in the Stake President. I think you need to do whats best for you, not what others say is best. I hope only happiness for you.

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    1. Thanks Trevor. I hope I get to meet you some day. Thanks for your efforts to keep this blogging community together.

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    3. oops. Well, there you go. That isn't the first time I have done that.

      I would love to meet you as well. I always find joy in meeting those I blog with.

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  2. I am a gay man from a strong LDS background. Now very happily married to my husband. At one point was enganged to a woman in an attempt to live the life that the Church said I was supposed to live. I was deeply in the closet then and she had no idea I was gay. In the end I broke it off because marrying her was just wrong for me and her. She deserved a man who could love her completely and fully, including physically and sexually. If we had married I have no doubt it would have ended in divorce, possibly with children involved. I am glad we broke up. She is now happily married to a guy who deeply loves and desires her. I am very happily married to a wonderful man. In the end you have to be true to yourself and have to do what feels right for you and your wife. You are both young and can easily rebuild new lifes with others if that is what you choose. While your stake president sounds kind, and is trying to be understanding, at the end of the day he gets to go home to a wife who I asume he loves and desires in every sense of that word. By encouraging you to stay with your wife he is not allowing you have what he has (and I am sure he would fight tooth and nail if anyone tried to take away the happiness he has with his wife.) Man is that he might have joy. Do what your own heart tells you would give you and your wife the greatest joy. What anyone else says does not matter because they cannot live your life - only you can do that.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment Edward. I am having such a hard time figuring out what I want. Sometimes I can't separate "me" from the church, my wife, my family, etc. long enough to really figure out what to do. I hope you browse these blogs periodically because I will definitely need more outside guidance moving forward.

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