Monday, February 2, 2015

Advice and Insights Needed

Hello everyone. I am really looking for others' experiences/advice/suggestions with any of the following:

Personal Details on Blog
I have really been considering posting stuff like my current location and hometown where most of my family lives. If I lived in the SLC area or similar area of high Mormon concentration I probably would have done it already. I am on the outer edges of the Book of Mormon belt so location could cause me to be identified more easily which has many potential pros and cons. I feel like I really need to talk to people and maybe someone who reads my blog lives near me but doesn't know it. Any suggestions? Things I should consider before doing this?

Finding Balance
Can I live the rest of my life as a gay man married to a woman or do I need to reroute my life? I feel like I am in a time crunch to figure this out (which in the past had led to feelings of pressure, anxiety, and worse). Some of this is in my head, but there is some verifiable reality to it. I know that my wife is ready to know, once and for all, should she plan on living the rest of her life with me or should she start making plans to move on. I can't blame her. If I had a  definitive answer I would have told her by now. How do I come to a conclusion? Studying out both sides, praying, asking others, none of it seems to provide me any real solace. How do I come to solutions that I won't regret for the rest of my life? Any advice?

Personal Ad
I found this idea on a MoHo blog that is no longer updated. The author was contemplating putting up a personal ad that reads as follows:
MGMM&W (married gay mormon male & wife) seeking same for friendship and mutual support.
While kind of funny, I think that this is one thing that my wife and I could really use right now - some real people who don't have to just pretend to put themselves in our shoes. Would such an ad on craigslist (are there other places this might be appropriate?) be advisable? Has anyone ever tried something like this? How else could we go about finding people in the same situation?

The Other Side of the Argument
I am really trying to study this out before I make a final decision about my marriage. I have been somewhat suspicious of Northstar and just found their sister site voice(s) of hope. While Ty Mansfield seems like a nice enough guy, I wonder how much having to back an organization that is so tied to his personal situation affects his ability to think clearly. Does anybody have real experience with these or similar sites? Are these just guys who have repressed themselves long enough to write articles and create videos but will find themselves abandoning their wives and children in a few years?

Non-sexual need fulfillment
Is there any evidence anywhere that I can create fulfilling male relationships that will fill some my emptiness without it necessarily being sexual in nature? I think I can survive the rest of my life without a homosexual relationship but I know I cannot survive without more fulfilling homosocial/emotional  interactions. Any advice there?

Thanks in advance to anyone who has more experience or resources with any of these issues.


  1. Though I can't offer answers to all your questions, nor should you rely on my answers to anything, let me give a few suggestions.

    1- Personal details on blog
    I started my blog completely anonymous and closed. Over the first year I offered up clues and then through contact with other bloggers, people in the MOHO world could find me if they tried. I am now pretty wide open on my blog, though I don't offer a link on my Facebook to the blog, though I do visa versa.

    This really needs to be your decision. Are you comfortable if people found your blog? Random strangers? Church members? Distant Family? Family? Friends? Wife? I think the answers to those will tell you how open or closed you should be. It really needs to be your choice.

    3- Personal ad
    Please stay away from CL. It is a dangerous and scary place. The quality of people you will see there is not the type you want to mingle with. There are closed/private groups on Facebook you can go to find couples in your situation.

    4- The Other Side
    I do not prescribe to NorthStar because they are not in alignment with what I believe. But if they align with your beliefs then participate. I associate more with Affirmation and Mormons Building Bridges. The former closed group on FB, latter open. Feel some groups out, and see what jives more with yourself.

    5- Non-Sexual
    I personally believe those type of male bonding relationships can only be a very short and surface relief to deep need for love. Please do seek these for a long term fix.

    Again, all of these are my own opinion and short be taken as such.

  2. Hello, If you are looking for a group of people who are trying to stay in the church and not looking for a change in doctrine, northstar is a place for you.

    It's not perfect, but i've been on there for seven years, and, it has been a great support for me. And i can promise you it's safer than a craigs list ad. MANY people who are married on there.

  3. I'm sorry that you are in this dilemma and for the anxiety it naturally creates. No suggestions to offer. In case it is familiar to you, the song "No One is Alone" comes to mind. Bless you.

  4. As for personal details, I don't think it's necessary to put your city if you're worried about being discovered. You could put a very general location like "Southern Colorado" or "Eastern Oregon" and if readers fit in that area, they can contact you - and the two of you can figure out how close you live to each other. I stay anonymous mainly because of my job, and I know how much potential employers search the web to find dirt on people. However, if someone contacts me privately, it doesn't take long before I share my real name, and in some instances, become Facebook friends.

    I'm not the best when it comes to balance, as I'm not married.

    Craigslist can be pretty scary - try Meetup instead.

    As for "the other side," I've blogged about my feelings of North Star, but like Trevor said, take a look at all the support groups and join the one(s) you feel most comfortable. (I've found the most support in back and forth emails with other Mohos.)

    The last inquiry is a tough one. If you establish a good male bond with someone, you run the risk of falling in love, or even worse, codependent on that person. Also, would your wife feel comfortable if you started hanging out with other men?

    These are just my random, immediate thoughts. I would be happy to expound on any, if you'd like!