Our Stake President is very kind and much more wise than I would have guessed before I had the opportunity to meet with him in person. He has never given me any reason to feel bad about myself for my attractions but maintains that the path that is acceptable to God has some very tight restraints. He is apt to say things like "the ways of the world might seem easier in the short run, but will not bring lasting happiness . . ."
Today I explained that I am trying to work my way out of what has been the second very low point for me since getting married. I told him that it has been about six months since I started approaching the point where life no longer seemed worth living. I didn't get into too many details except to say that the last time I felt this bad I promised myself that I would do all in my power to find a solution to make life worth living before throwing in the towel.
I explained that my wife and I have been very seriously talking about divorce - i.e. That is the path I fully intend to follow unless God is able to convincingly help me see some other way very soon. I also told him that since deciding to head in that direction I have felt more peace than I have felt in years. He asked me some clarifying questions about how that might happen, what kind of support system we have, and what our lives might look like after that. I told him that my wife has expressed that she would likely seek someone else to marry who could better meet her needs. I also told him that I do not intend to spend the rest of my life alone but that I could not, in good conscience, inflict this situation on another woman, leaving me few church-sanctioned options.
He said a great many things, reminding me to "not throw the baby out with the bath water." He said he was pleased I was there and was seeking God's guidance in making my decisions. He read from Matt. 4:23-24, which says in part, that Jesus went about healing those with "divers diseases and torments." He explained that many people suffer torments that are not physical and often difficult to endure. He didn't directly say that I could be healed but alluded to it.
I told him that I genuinely want to follow God's will but I need that guidance to come from Him, not from other men. I admitted that I no longer feel like I can just blindly follow every word that proceedeth forth from the mouths of the "brethren" and that I have accepted that they make mistakes, especially about an issue that greatly affects me, and that for all I know they may still be in error.
I could tell in his responses that he was certain that my response from God could only be that I stay with my wife. I am still trying to seek God's guidance but what if I've already received it. If I can't trust peace in my heart and a newfound zeal for doing and being better in all aspects after beginning to accept that divorce might be best for us then what can I trust? Have I been deceived as every Mormon I talk to seems to imply? Have I conflated a feeling of relief with a false sense of peace from God? Am I wrong to point out that I have never heard of or met someone who has been "healed" and that I have seen the examples of dozens of MoHos who think they have their Mixed orientation marriage figured out only to find themselves fleeing, completely depressed and disillusioned just a few years later. What am I to do? Is anyone else dealing with these thoughts?