My wife knows that I read a lot of gay Mormon blog posts right now (mostly from Beck because I am trying to get through his entire blog before really focusing on others as a result of some undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder combined with a genuine feeling of connection with his writing). I have also been typing a lot on my computer creating blog posts and responses, but I do not want her to know that I have my own blog. This is completely ridiculous for the following reasons: (1) she reads me very well and I am sure she knows that I have blog, (2) I have thinly veiled my typing as "journalling" when questioned about it, which she knows I never do, and (3) I am signed up with Covenant Eyes (software program that reports to her about every web page I access and rates those web pages based on an algorithm for how mature each site is) so she can see exactly what sites I visit the most and can investigate. However, I trust that she has not yet invaded my secret blogging world for the following reasons: (1) I definitely would have heard about it by now because I am more frank in my anonymous writing than I am in my verbal communication with her, (2) we have a little agreement right now, partly at the recommendation of my psychiatrist, that she will not invade my privacy unnecessarily by doing things like reading my text messages, and (3) to save money, we recently switched to using our apartment community's free wi-fi which is painfully slow and would make figuring this all out tedious and difficult. All things considered, I must be really stupid to be blogging under these circumstances.
After posting yesterday, my wife and I continued to discuss little things randomly throughout the day. One of those things almost made my head explode.
[insert link to a video that I have been trying to find for nearly an hour but cannot because our internet connection is so ridiculously slow!]
She asked me if I thought our communication would ever be as open as that of [insert name] and his wife (I think it is either Ty Mansfield or Josh Weed) who, in above-mentioned video link, alluded in an interview to being so open as to "compare notes" about which men both husband and wife thought were attractive! AAAHHHHH!!!! How do you respond to that? My innards were writhing with awkwardness at the mere mention of this type of openness! I have finally realized that I want, desperately, to pretend like my gay reality does not exist when it comes to our marriage/communication. It seems that having things so out in the open makes for such a weird universe that my little brain will explode trying to comprehend it.
Well, with that little oddity on the table, it seemed that anything was fair game for conversation. After letting the air clear for an hour or so I decided to press my luck by bringing up an issue that I would soon regret. My wife really enjoys romantic movies (I like some but certainly not all) so I asked her if she enjoyed the kissing scenes from such movies. I then asked her to watch this youtube clip and tell me what she thought:
I did not make her endure very much of it at all before I stopped it. She said it made her very uncomfortable. I asked her how this is different from her being able to enjoy heterosexual kiss scenes. She said that in her case those scenes make her want to be closer to me but gay kiss scenes make me want to get further away from her. I gently contended that I do not fantasize about some male I want to run away with when seeing such, but rather it just stirs within me a desire for closeness, intimacy, thus bringing me closer to her as well. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I generally don't fantasize about anyone in such settings. She said that it is just different and that she is not entirely sure why. What do my blog readers think?
I am an idiot for ever bringing this up, and deep down I agree that it is different somehow. I even admitted to her that when I first saw a gay kiss scene after realizing that I was attracted to men it made me a little uncomfortable for some reason. Notwithstanding, I was still hurt to hear her say that seeing such was offensive. Alas, maybe it is wrong for me to watch gay romance, but that does not change my conviction that for those who love persons of their own gender who may not have the same religious convictions, it is a glorious thing to be celebrated.
I can't really answer any of your questions. I can only say that i feel for you and your wife and hope that your situation eventually is resolved in a way that is best for both of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your concern and kind words.
DeleteEveryone reacts differently to all sorts of situations.
ReplyDeleteSome of it is because of how we're raised, or we're not used to seeing and some of it because--well it us simply isn't our cup of tea.
But I'm glad you're talking openly--this will help solve so many issues instead of just having you and your wife assuming that you both know where you stand on lots and lots of issues.
Hugs,Miguel
Thanks for your comments and for all the hugs.
DeleteHugs to you!
When I was coming to terms with being gay, I couldn't imagine ACTUALLY kissing a guy. I had made sure that idea was not entertained in my mind. It was different to watch two actors do it. Oh how naive I was. And oh how glad I was that I finally did. I finally knew what people were raving about. My male roommates in college- all the sex that ads sell. I got it. I understood. It felt so right.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think you have a good point. The thing that is different about two guys kissing is that we still live in a society where the general reaction is shock. It hasn't been until very recently that gays have been given such a spotlight in the public eye. Even seeing two gays hold hands is enough to cause absurd reactions. It is foreign and new to people. But think of older times... perhaps in Korea where it was customary not 50 years ago for women to walk behind their husbands. They would never hold hands in public and certainly not kiss. Imagine the reaction if this generation saw a couple making out on the park bench. You think that would make them feel like getting closer?? NO! They would be embarrassed and probably offended.
What about I love Lucy. A couple in separate beds. It would be shocking and embarrassing to see a couple in bed together on TV in those years. So, you are both right. When it comes down to it, there is no difference. But, when you take current social norms and biases into account, it is normal for your wife to feel offended and embarrassed.
Also, these gay kiss scenes are just like the straight ones. We all like to think this is what it is like when we are kissing, but in reality, it is not nearly as theatrical and perfect ;)
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I feel like I'm reliving my past vicariously through you. When I was married, my wife and I got to a point where we talked about what guys we thought were hot. It was awkward but kind of nice to be that open. Don't apologize or feel guilty for being open. That's I think something that takes a while to overcome though.
ReplyDeleteI can empathize you feeling hurt by your wife's reaction. The same thing happened to me when I asked my ex if she thought two guys kissing were gross, or we started talking about gay relationships. I think it's normal to feel that, maybe feeling even a bit of rejection.
Forgive me if this is too blunt, but personally I think that in any "Mixed Orientation Marriage" the best thing to do is come to terms with who you are, and then decide what to do. How can you fully give yourself to another person if you can't be whole? Coming to terms with your sexual orientation-whatever that is (gay, bi, questioning, etc.) is part of who you are, and that needs to be in the terms. For a time, I felt that if my wife could just accept who I was, then we could make it work. I think that was wishful thinking on my part. But not every marriage is the same and not every wife reacts the same way.