My wife knows that I read a lot of gay Mormon blog posts right now (mostly from Beck because I am trying to get through his entire blog before really focusing on others as a result of some undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder combined with a genuine feeling of connection with his writing). I have also been typing a lot on my computer creating blog posts and responses, but I do not want her to know that I have my own blog. This is completely ridiculous for the following reasons: (1) she reads me very well and I am sure she knows that I have blog, (2) I have thinly veiled my typing as "journalling" when questioned about it, which she knows I never do, and (3) I am signed up with Covenant Eyes (software program that reports to her about every web page I access and rates those web pages based on an algorithm for how mature each site is) so she can see exactly what sites I visit the most and can investigate. However, I trust that she has not yet invaded my secret blogging world for the following reasons: (1) I definitely would have heard about it by now because I am more frank in my anonymous writing than I am in my verbal communication with her, (2) we have a little agreement right now, partly at the recommendation of my psychiatrist, that she will not invade my privacy unnecessarily by doing things like reading my text messages, and (3) to save money, we recently switched to using our apartment community's free wi-fi which is painfully slow and would make figuring this all out tedious and difficult. All things considered, I must be really stupid to be blogging under these circumstances.
After posting yesterday, my wife and I continued to discuss little things randomly throughout the day. One of those things almost made my head explode.
[insert link to a video that I have been trying to find for nearly an hour but cannot because our internet connection is so ridiculously slow!]
She asked me if I thought our communication would ever be as open as that of [insert name] and his wife (I think it is either Ty Mansfield or Josh Weed) who, in above-mentioned video link, alluded in an interview to being so open as to "compare notes" about which men both husband and wife thought were attractive! AAAHHHHH!!!! How do you respond to that? My innards were writhing with awkwardness at the mere mention of this type of openness! I have finally realized that I want, desperately, to pretend like my gay reality does not exist when it comes to our marriage/communication. It seems that having things so out in the open makes for such a weird universe that my little brain will explode trying to comprehend it.
Well, with that little oddity on the table, it seemed that anything was fair game for conversation. After letting the air clear for an hour or so I decided to press my luck by bringing up an issue that I would soon regret. My wife really enjoys romantic movies (I like some but certainly not all) so I asked her if she enjoyed the kissing scenes from such movies. I then asked her to watch this youtube clip and tell me what she thought:
I did not make her endure very much of it at all before I stopped it. She said it made her very uncomfortable. I asked her how this is different from her being able to enjoy heterosexual kiss scenes. She said that in her case those scenes make her want to be closer to me but gay kiss scenes make me want to get further away from her. I gently contended that I do not fantasize about some male I want to run away with when seeing such, but rather it just stirs within me a desire for closeness, intimacy, thus bringing me closer to her as well. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I generally don't fantasize about anyone in such settings. She said that it is just different and that she is not entirely sure why. What do my blog readers think?
I am an idiot for ever bringing this up, and deep down I agree that it is different somehow. I even admitted to her that when I first saw a gay kiss scene after realizing that I was attracted to men it made me a little uncomfortable for some reason. Notwithstanding, I was still hurt to hear her say that seeing such was offensive. Alas, maybe it is wrong for me to watch gay romance, but that does not change my conviction that for those who love persons of their own gender who may not have the same religious convictions, it is a glorious thing to be celebrated.